The Birds and the Bees
by King Zoe
Summary: Umm... PG, I think... I don't really remember. Kunzite and Zoisite's daughter asks about where babies come from. Very interesting, considering that both of her biological parents are male...


Disclaimer: I do not own Sailor Moon. I do not own Kunzite, Zoisite, Nephrite, or Jadeite. I only own my little Zoe-chan. Arnica belongs to Arnica. RENT belongs to the late Jonathan Larson.  
  
Note: In her mind, Zoe refers to Kunzite as "Daddy" and Zoisite as "Dad." However, when speaking, she refers to them both as "Daddy." The reason for the difference is to alleviate confusion when she thinks about her parents. This phenomenon also occurs when Zoe is trying to distinguish between her parents in conversation.  
  
And now, on with the show...  
  
The Birds and the Bees  
  
Zoe blinked at her ceiling, trying to decide whether it was a good idea to get up now. Daddy had put her down for a nap about an hour ago, and then left with Dad to go take their nap, but she wasn't sleepy. She'd spent the past hour counting the number of stars on her ceiling, and was getting bored. There were only so many times she could count to 269.  
  
She scrambled out of bed and opened the door to her room. She peeked her head out quietly, in case Daddy was sleeping on the couch like that day he and Dad had been fighting. Dad had told him that he "wasn't getting anything!" and had to sleep on the couch. They weren't fighting. She sighed. Her book and her music were in her parents' room, so the real trial would come if she could get in without waking them up. She poked her head into her parent's room.  
  
Zoe's jaw fell to the floor. They really were fighting! Dad was screaming, and Daddy was on top of him, holding him down and making an awful face. The four year old darted in, grabbed her book and music and left.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
When she'd played though both CD's of RENT, she finally heard her parents outside her room. Dad came in and sat down on her bed to wake her up. Zoe removed her headphones and looked at her father seriously. "Daddy, are you OK?"  
  
Zoisite looked at his daughter, confused. "I'm fine, why?"  
  
Zoe turned her tear filled eyes up at him. "Daddy's so much bigger than you, and I saw you fighting, and I didn't want him to hurt you."  
  
Zoisite make a small, choking noise. "You saw us... fighting?" he asked with trepadition.  
  
Zoe nodded. "And it looked like Daddy was winning, and I wanted to know if you were all right."  
  
He nodded slowly. "H- Hai, Zoe-chan. I'm fine. Daddy and I were just... wrestling."  
  
The child's eyebrows drew together in confusion. "But, Daddy, Arnica says that you can make babies while you're wrestling. Am I gonna have a new brother or sister?"  
  
Zoisite smiled in relief. "No, Zoe. Why don't you go find Arnica? She's been asking for you ever since Daddy and I woke up."  
  
Zoe grinned and jumped into a teleport to find her friend.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
"I hate naps." Arinca growled. "I've been waiting for an hour for you to wake up."  
  
Zoe frowned. "I've been awake. I was listening to RENT. Couldn't sleep."  
  
"How come?"  
  
"Well, I got up after an hour, 'cause I wanted by book and my music, but I saw my Daddies wrestling, and-"  
  
"Are you gonna have a new brother or sister?"  
  
"No, but I thought they were fighting, and I got worried, 'cause Daddy's so much bigger than Dad, but they were just pretending to make a baby."  
  
"I know how babies are made, and your Daddies couldn't have done it on their own." Arnica nodded with the confidence of youth.  
  
"Yeah they could."  
  
"Nuh-uh. Babies are made when you handcuff the guy to the headboard and the two ladies cover him with ice cream."  
  
"No! The guy puts his thingy in this end," Zoe pointed to the posterior portion of her anatomy. "And it really hurts, 'cause they scream a lot, but that's how babies are made."  
  
"Nuh-uh!"  
  
"Yeah-huh!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Yes! That's how my Daddies do it!"  
  
"Well..." Arnica looked doubtful.  
  
"It is!"  
  
"It can't be. See, I saw Jadeite and these two other girls doing it my way, and they said they were trying to make a baby, but the girls kept giggling and they covered his willy with ice cream, and-"  
  
"YUCK!! Stop, Arnica! You're grossing me out! That's yucky!"  
  
"I was just telling you the way I saw it."  
  
"Well it's gross." Zoe rubbed her forehead, trying to work out their conflicting images. "Maybe people just do it their own way, and everyone has their own style."  
  
Arnica frowned. "But certain things have to go in certain places to make it work, right?"  
  
"I dunno."  
  
"Maybe we can talk to someone that does..."  
  
*  
  
"Jadeite," Arnica asked sweetly. "How are babies made?"  
  
"Uh..." The blonde general pushed his bangs out of his eyes, nervously. "Uh... I thought I already told you that..."  
  
"I thought so too, but Zoe saw her Daddies wrestling, and she thought they were making a baby, but I don't think they weren't making it right, because she says Kunzite was sticking his thingy in this end-" she gestured to her posterior. "And that's not what you were doing with the ladies."  
  
Jadeite snorted, trying to hold back laughter. "So, you're saying Zoe saw her daddies trying to make a baby their way, and you want to know what the real way is?"  
  
"Well... Yeah." The princess looked up at the general. "Will you tell us?"  
  
"The truth is, Arnica," said Jaidite, smirking. "I don't know the real way to make babies. Those ladies and I were experimenting to find the right way. Maybe Zoe's daddies know how; maybe they don't, but I'm sure I know someone who does."  
  
"Who?" the two girls asked in unison.  
  
Jadeite smiled, sending out a telepathic call with his next words. "Nephrite knows how babies are made."  
  
"What?" Nephrite asked, appearing.  
  
"The girls want to know how babies are made," Jadeite answered silkily.  
  
"Uh... Why don't you ask your..." Nephrite stopped for a moment to think. "Jadeite, can I speak to you for a minute?"  
  
"Sure. We'll be back in a minute, girls." The two men stepped into the hallway just outside Jadeite's office.  
  
Nephrite grinned maliciously. "Are you telling me that I have the once in a lifetime opportunity to tell those innocent little girls how babies are made."  
  
Jadeite grinned back. "Yep, and it's all yours for the bargain price of $19.95."  
  
"Hey-"  
  
"I was kidding. Really. Now go in there and knock 'em dead."  
  
"Can I really?"  
  
"No, now go in there and tell them how to make a baby. Trust me, they're very confused."  
  
"And how did they get that way, Jeda-chan?" Nephrite asked innocently.  
  
"Conflicting images. Ice cream. Me. Kunzite and Zoisite."  
  
"Scarred for life, thanks. You want to watch?"  
  
"Sure." The two men returned to the office where the girls were waiting.  
  
"Ahem." Nephrite cleared his throat, signaling to the girls that it was time to begin. "To make this very simple: You have Tab A, and three slots, Slots A, B, and C. According to Jadeite here, you already know what Tab A is."  
  
The girls shook their heads.  
  
"Um..." Nephrite blushed slightly; he hadn't quite expected to explain the anatomy of the procedure. "Tab A is..."  
  
"Oh!" Zoe yelped with the excitement of knowing the answer. "Tab A is the guy's thingie!"  
  
Nephrite sighed in relief. "Yes. Now, as for Slots A, B, and C. On a woman, there are three slots. Slot A is her mouth, Slot B is her vagina, and Slot C is her butt."  
  
"Okay, but boys only have Slots A and C, right?"  
  
"Good, Zoe." Nephrite smiled, rather like the cat that knows it's very close to catching the canary. "Babies are made when the man slides Tab A into the woman's Slot B."  
  
"Oh." The two girls looked at each other, puzzled.  
  
"But Jadite..." Arnica trailed off.  
  
He blushed. "I'm working on it," he mumbled.  
  
"My Daddies - "  
  
"Don't do it right," Nephrite finished. "One of your Daddies, Zoisite, was a woman a long time ago. They did it right then, but they don't anymore."  
  
"Oh." Zoe frowned.  
  
Nephrite smiled the smile of the truly contented. He'd caught his canary. "Why don't you two run along and play now?"  
  
"Okay..." With obvious reservations, the two left, presumably to go off and play.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Daddy?"  
  
Kunzite looked down at his small daughter and frowned. "I thought I tucked you in an hour ago."  
  
"You did, but I have a question..."  
  
Kunzite sighed. "Can it wait 'till morning?"  
  
Zoe shook her head.  
  
"Okay, out with it."  
  
"Uncle Neffy said you and Daddy don't make babies right, and I wanted to know if he was right, or if you're right."  
  
"What did Uncle Neffy tell you?" Kunzite asked dangerously.  
  
"He said the Tab A goes into Slot B."  
  
Kunzite cringed at his daughter's clinical description of straight, missionary style sex. He sighed. "Nephrite's right as far as making babies goes." He paused. "I suppose he told you that Daddy was a Mommy for a while?"  
  
Zoe nodded.  
  
"Okay. Yes, that is the way to make babies, but people have sex for more reasons than just making babies."  
  
Zoe looked up at him quizzically.  
  
"People also have sex for fun, or because they love each other, or sometimes just because they want to get higher up on the power hierarchy, and there are many ways to have sex. Men and women can have sex, and men and men, and women and women. Daddy and I are in love, and the way we have sex is right for us. Uncle Neffy is the one that was wrong."  
  
"Okay," Zoe smiled, relieved.  
  
"You good to go to bed now?"  
  
"Yep" Kunzite led her to her room and tucked her back into bed.  
  
"Daddy," Zoe looked up at her father. "When I grow up, I'm gonna have sex with women. The idea of Tab A, it kinda freaks me out."  
  
"Okay," Kunzite laughed. "'Night, Zoe."  
  
"'Night, Daddy." The little girl rolled over and promptly fell asleep.  
  
I'm gonna kill that bastard, Kunzite thought.  



End file.
